Thursday, 12 May 2016

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. – Psalm 139:23



Today’s Scripture Reading (May 12, 2016): Psalm 138 & 139

A number of years ago I was in trouble with the ecclesiastical leadership above me. I had argued my point and I felt that I had tried my best. I had made mistakes, but I had also learned from them. I was comfortable with what I had been able to accomplish; not satisfied, but then again, I am rarely satisfied. My dreams are always huge. The ultimate leader above me was a man that I had served with in the same church for six years. We had not always seen eye to eye, but I had thought that we had always tried to work through things and that we knew each other’s capabilities and hearts. As I sat across the table in a restaurant from my former colleague and his lieutenant, they delivered the bad news. I smiled and thanked them. The lieutenant commented that I was taking the news well. My former colleague muttered under his breath “Well, he is now. Let’s wait and see.”

I was stunned. I looked at him and realized that while we had served in the same church, he really didn’t know me. My heart was strange territory to him. A disconnect existed between us that I had never dreamed was there. Somehow there is nothing more hurtful than when it becomes apparent that those who you have spent time with, and been vulnerable with, have never bothered to search you, and to really know you. And now, years after that lunch in that restaurant (Boston Pizza), when I remember that meeting it is those words that I remember. And the words still sting.

David invites God to search him and know him. To uncover any anxious ways, to remind him of sins of which even David might not be aware. David was inviting God to be in a vulnerable relationship with his God. And it was this desire that made David a man after God’s own heart. It was not his perfection, David was not perfect, but he was vulnerable, especially with God. It is the great reality of our faith. We serve a God who both knows us and has searched us, and yet he also still loves us

And, really, what more could we ask.

Tomorrow’s Scripture Reading: Psalm 140 & 141

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