They quarreled with Moses and said, "If only we had died when our brothers fell dead before the LORD! – Numbers 20:3

Today's Scripture Reading (January 30, 2025): Numbers 20

A few years ago, I sat down and had a conversation with a suicidal woman. She was of ill health, and it was her health condition, both physical and mental, that was the cause of her desire to die. I am not sure, but maybe it was my chronic health issues that caused her to be honest with me about her desire to move on to heaven. But that was where the similarity ended. Her willingness to die was sincere. She would end up taking her life during the COVID-19 pandemic (and, yes, I miss her). But I have always felt that as long there was breath inside of me, even if that breath wasn't easy, there was hope. Maybe someday that will change, or perhaps I will remain an optimist until the end; I am not sure which will end up being true. However, I just want to take it one day at a time. I have survived a few life-and-death situations. But each time, I believed this was not the end; that somehow, I would survive.

There have been a few people around over the years who have taken their own lives in a moment of despair or pain. I have struggled to understand and think I comprehend the causes intellectually but not emotionally. I also understand that there is a significant difference between people who have lost the will to live and those who use the threat of suicide in a misguided attempt to get what they want. But the difference between the two is often a mystery to me, so I usually believe that suicide is a distinct possibility until I know for sure that it isn't.

As a result of my belief regarding suicide, I have struggled with the concept introduced in this passage. The community of Israel has found themselves in a place with no water. Miriam, likely the third most important person in the community after her brothers Moses and Aaron, has died. However, there is no indication that her death resulted from a lack of water.  

Thirst can be a powerful motivator; we can't survive long without water. The people seemed scared, not wanting to die of thirst. Maybe the surprise in this passage is that, despite all of the things that God had done among the people of Israel, instead of asking God for water, they went straight to the threat of suicide.

The people had recently watched their compatriots die in a rebellion led by Korah (the tale is found in Numbers 16). The surprise is that, in this moment of thirst, they long to be numbered among the destroyed rather than the obedient who lived through the time of Korah's rebellion. Had they lost the will to live, or was this just a childish attempt to get what they wanted? Admittedly, I can't be sure, but I think it might have been the latter. I believe this threat was a childish attempt to manipulate God, something that we all have tried on occasion. 

Tomorrow's Scripture Reading: Psalm 90